Friends are for Fools
There have been some who say that friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Trach Cee-Chewgum disagreed with a vengeance. After a gazillion years of participating actively in an extensive field of research regarding relationship psychology and the simple human brain, our odd creature has met with the conclusion that friends are the most cunning, despicable and hypocritical scrouges on the face of this Earth.
Friends pretend. You can never tell the emotional overtures of a 'smiley' friend and a 'frowny' friend. A 'smiley' friend might be smiling merely for the sake of smiling. A most plastic act. Or more postively, he might be smiling because of the fact that he is truly happy that something unhappy has befallen a foe or even a 'friend' whom he unconciously dislikes. Prof T.C-C laboriously notes in its comprehensive scientific journal that this sort will be in urgent need of jaw reconstructive surgery in the near future. On the other hand, a 'frowny' friend might be frowning merely for the sake frowning. Or frowning to put up a show of sadness when a 'friend' falls over and cuts his knee. Prof T.C-C recommends wrinkle removals for those of this kind. Neither impresses our odd creature who swears staunchly never to mingle with 'these most foul trollocks'.
Friends are bloody money suckers. 'Smiley' friends are the nefarious entities which entice you to diabolical malls just to splunder hard-earned cash on worthless material goods. 'Frowny' friends don't get any better. Your star studded job, a twenty-four hour counselor without the service charge, might get you a Nobel Peace Prize for resolving worldly conflicts and ambassadoring the noble virtue of peace. But the chances of that happening have proven to be as low as the chances of Britney Spears getting married, staying married and living happily ever after.
And yet despite its august protestations against the inherent value of friendship, Trach Cee-Chewgum did have many lowlings which did consider it a friend. And for this, it was most ashamed. In fact, it received a grand total of two hundred and eighty-four delightful Christmas greeting cards from well-wishers last year. All of which were promptly mailed back to the sender as "lost and returned to the stated address". All except for one.
Friends pretend. You can never tell the emotional overtures of a 'smiley' friend and a 'frowny' friend. A 'smiley' friend might be smiling merely for the sake of smiling. A most plastic act. Or more postively, he might be smiling because of the fact that he is truly happy that something unhappy has befallen a foe or even a 'friend' whom he unconciously dislikes. Prof T.C-C laboriously notes in its comprehensive scientific journal that this sort will be in urgent need of jaw reconstructive surgery in the near future. On the other hand, a 'frowny' friend might be frowning merely for the sake frowning. Or frowning to put up a show of sadness when a 'friend' falls over and cuts his knee. Prof T.C-C recommends wrinkle removals for those of this kind. Neither impresses our odd creature who swears staunchly never to mingle with 'these most foul trollocks'.
Friends are bloody money suckers. 'Smiley' friends are the nefarious entities which entice you to diabolical malls just to splunder hard-earned cash on worthless material goods. 'Frowny' friends don't get any better. Your star studded job, a twenty-four hour counselor without the service charge, might get you a Nobel Peace Prize for resolving worldly conflicts and ambassadoring the noble virtue of peace. But the chances of that happening have proven to be as low as the chances of Britney Spears getting married, staying married and living happily ever after.
And yet despite its august protestations against the inherent value of friendship, Trach Cee-Chewgum did have many lowlings which did consider it a friend. And for this, it was most ashamed. In fact, it received a grand total of two hundred and eighty-four delightful Christmas greeting cards from well-wishers last year. All of which were promptly mailed back to the sender as "lost and returned to the stated address". All except for one.
© 2004 by The Unorthodox Meerkat
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